Monday, September 3, 2007

Are you ready for some slow statistical aggregation?

First thing's first. My friend Lelah has a blog, and she has been kind enough to reference Country Caravan to send her readership over here (Hi, Dylan). She has cleverly taken a picture of just her nose and mouth in order to remain inconspicuous to potential hordes of adoring fans. For some reason, I'm not as worried about that. (see picture)

Anyway, I'm in a Fantasy Football League at Mahalo. Here's how it works. 12 of us get together and hover over computers for an hour and a half to choose what we think are the players that will be the most productive, statistics-wise, over the course of the season. We frequently get frustrated and yelp and stomp our feet like pre-historic monkeys when other "General Managers" take the players we had wanted on our team. We ignore the fact that these wealthy, professional athletes would likely want nothing to do with us, even if we did own professional sports teams, and would probably only allow us into their homes if we were shooting their episode of "Cribs".

The Football Season starts this Thursday, and then things will really heat up. We will stand about five feet in front of the television and scream expletives at nobody in particular, oblivious to any events surrounding us, even if those events could seriously affect our lives (i.e. fire, being evicted, sibling dying, etc.) It will sound like the Klingon language to the uninitiated. Here is an example: "Calling a draw on third and fifteen with 1:06 left and Palmer having the kind of game he's having?!? GAAHHH!!!!"

There are penalties for those who cannot adequately finish off the season. There are no exceptions for not giving one's complete attention to the weekly roster.
"Your sister is getting married? Don't make me laugh."
"You accidentally cut off your finger and have to rush to the hospital immediately for reattachment? Go to hell."
"You spoke to an actual girl last week and are going to have coffee with her? I have no son."

I will, of course, keep my avid readership up-to-date on my ranking in the Kokua Football League.

Sidenote: I'm about to go buy a blender and am doing some serious research on Smoothies. Happy Labor Day.


rednikki said...

Hey, she's got a readership of at least two!

Files from The Crief Case said...

Very well stated about the fantasy football process and the level of madness that can ensue.

Be afraid - be very afraid! :)

BTW: Have the Kokua Football League waffles with your "SeRP", if you follow my drift...

"The Commish" (not Michael Chiklis)

P.S. - Watch for the premiere of the "Friday Football Forecast" coming this week to a blog near you...