Thursday, January 24, 2008

When Dennis Coles comes to town, show him the CD

Ghostface sends a smackdown to you MySpace and Napster and BitTorrent bitches.

For real.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Writer's Strike Sends "Jungle Cruise" Into Third Month of Old Jokes

DISNEYLAND--Three months after the Writer's Guild of America walked off the job, the effects are finally being felt outside of Hollywood. Many Disneyland "Jungle Cruise" Guides are complaining about old and tired material.
"I'm not sure how much longer we can go on like this," said "Jungle Cruise" veteran Ryan Sinclair. "I've told the joke about the most famous rock on the tour being taken for granite so many times that the audience just isn't feeling it anymore."
Disneyland employees have been seen nightly at the bar of the Downtown Disney House of Blues, attempting to form original snarky comments about Anaheim tourists.
"We really aren't as creative as we look," Sinclair continued. "I've talked about the backside of water so much, the words no longer have any meaning."
Sinclair then took a fake safari pistol to his head and mimicked a popping noise.
28-year-old Virginia Chesterfield expressed similar sentiments over a Blueberry Daiquiri.
"This strike is putting us all at great hardship. Let me point out some of the horrible repercussions. There's one...there's one."
Asked if they've learned anything from this ordeal, Sinclair seemed rather optimistic.
"I've learned some valuable lessons. Like, did you know that the Nile river is over 4000 miles long? And if you don't believe that, you must be in denial."
Many employees were playing poker in the break room to pass the time between tours.
"Never play poker in the jungle," said 26-year-old Maynard Preston. "There are too many cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then they're most likely a lion."
According to industry insiders, the strike could continue on indefinitely. Many "Jungle Cruise" guides were asked how they would cope.
"I'm not sure what to do," said Chesterfield. "I'd protest, but whenever I had a scab as a kid, my mom would tell me not to pick it."

-Thanks to Yoda for the ideas

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

It's Your Turn To Walk The Mitt

Just a brief morning post featuring Mitt Romney attempting to court the black vote. Truly priceless stuff. Highlights are at 0:12 and 2:34.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Billy-O vs. D-oh-double-G

I was at a point in my life a few years ago where everything that happened in the world drove me nuts. That is to say, every time it came out that the government was listening to our phone calls, that the administration screwed something up in Iraq, that another one of the Bill of Rights was ignored, I would get extremely angry and talk to everyone I knew about it. I think lately I've been suffering from Outrage Fatigue. I spent the better part of this decade getting fed up with what I've seen and at this point I just don't care any more. This is bad news, as I know many others my age feel the same way and we're in danger of continuing to ignore the issues and letting the downward spiral continue.

So, what better way to get back in the spirit of frustration then to watch this video from Robert Greenwald's BraveNew Films where Bill O'Reilly denies that there are more than just a few homeless veterans in need of help.

Honestly, are we even surprised at this point when our always-entertaining Bill opines on a topic of which he has very little knowledge? You know, I can't even talk about Bill O'Reilly with any sort of poignancy. Snoop Dogg does a much better job:

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Steve Jobs 90 Minute Keynote (In 60 Seconds)

So we had a great bit of success yesterday with a very special Mahalo Daily. Check out that link, this link, or just watch it below.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Duty Calls

My readers know I'm not much into self-promotion, but it'll be all about me in this post, dammit.

Some months ago I made a wager with my friend Rupak, an actor, that if he got a major role in a television show or film that I would do an open-mike stand-up routine at a location of his choosing. Well, the powers that be have seen fit to give him the role of "Unnamed Bollywood Star" in The Cheetah Girls: One World. His Disney Channel debut will take place sometime in August 2008. But, this Thursday, you'll have to settle for me at the UnUrban Coffee House in Santa Monica, sometime between 7:30 and 9:30.

I'll be covering a wide range of topics, from Proust to the baroque architecture of Sir Christopher Wren. I also have a bit about Anne Frank getting diarrhea.

I'm pleased to do this performance, as it will expand my cultural experience, and it's all to promote this man becoming a major Hollywood icon.

See you all there.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Like a Lightbulb!

Being sick is funny. When I'm sick, all I can think about is how it is hindering my day-to-day actions. On any other day I would seriously chide myself for staying at home, reading, and watching movies (I chide myself a bit as it is).
I also apply my condition to every character in every film I watch. If I see Bruce Willis jumping off a building, I think "Wow...he never would have been able to do that if he had a cold, like I do. I can barely move!" and so forth.
Also, I feel like no person has ever blown their nose as much as I did today. I honestly must have set some sort of record. I emptied my weight in mucus today. I feel like some sort of slime creature on the sci-fi channel. Plus I look like Rudolph.

This week is CES, which is a giant consumer electronics show in Las Vegas that I ordinarily would not care at all about if you paid me. However, this week it has been my life, and I've lived and breathed every mobile phone, Blu-ray unit, GPS system, and household robot introduced because I'm in charge of making sure we have everything covered for Mahalo. Feel like checking out the biggest TV in the universe?