Friday, August 29, 2008

VPILF Sarah Palin?

I don't mean to digress from the usual high class topics of Country Caravan, but a new buzz term is spreading like wildfire and I'd like to discuss the political implications. Apparently, our potential vice president, Sarah Palin, is quite the VPILF.

...think about it a second.

...there you go.

This seems like the natural progression of political and social discussion. For the last ten years we talked about how Bush was an attractive candidate because you'd like to sit down and have a beer with him. Now we're discussing how Sarah Palin whom, despite having little experience and possibly using her position in office for her own personal gain, may indeed have a place in the masturbatory fantasies of a large swath of the electorate.

Is this all we're looking for in a vice president these days? I mean, sure she's a MILF, a GILF, a VPILF, and my favorite, PLEILF (Pro Life Evangelical I'd Like to F***).

Due to this turn of events, I'd like to suggest that Barack Obama drop Joe Biden from his ticket and replace him with September 2008 Playmate of the Month Valerie Mason.

Best Fictional Cops on Mahalo

It's been awhile since has released a top-notch best-of list, but here's one of our better ones. A fun list of the Best Fictional Cops in television and movies. They don't just have to be beat cops (though some of them are). The list also includes detectives, troopers and police commissioners.

A few notable missing characters off the top of my head:
-Happy Jack from Gangs of New York
-William Costigan and Colin Sullivan from The Departed. One's a cop pretending to be a crook and one's a crook pretending to be a cop.
-The Sheriff of Nottingham (he's a villain, but he is a sheriff, is he not?)
-Margie Gunderson (I mean, c'mon!)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Brad Pitt - W Magazine Photographer

It's always interesting when actors dabble in other arts. Keanu Reeves has his band, Lindsay Lohan has lesbianism, and now Brad Pitt can add Glamour Photographer to his resume. For the November 2008 issue, Angelina Jolie and their six children will be appearing on the cover of W photographed by Brad Pitt.

The Pitt-Jolie clan apparently has an estate in France, and what better place to shoot the photos? One wonders how much the new photographer will be paid for his services.

For the record, I've always liked Brad Pitt. His performances in Twelve Monkeys and Jesse James are particularly engaging.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

If Everyone in the World were like me

Now, I'm not saying all of these would be good things. In fact, some of them quite obviously are negative. Here's a picture of what the world would be like if everyone in it were like me...

*Everyone would get where they're going efficiently. There would be none of this 45 miles per hour on the freeway bullshit, no more of this sitting at a green light and easing onto the gas over a period of 12 seconds. I'm always amazed in the city I live in, the city of angels, how often I have to honk at someone who's just sitting completely still at a green light. It's at least 2 times per 8-mile drive. Not joking. I'll be at a light, it'll turn green, I count to three maybe (you know, give the idiot a chance to let the synapses in his brain start clicking) and then I honk. Also, what's with this not turning left when you have tons of room? I'll be behind some schmuck, trying to turn left, he's got at least 10 seconds before the next car comes into the intersection, but nope, can't go. Too risky. Jackasses like this make everyone late.

*Speaking of which, nobody would ever be late for anything. Not only that, you'd always be early. Sometimes, uncomfortably early. I'm always so nervous about being late that I typically leave a good 30 minutes before I probably need to. The result is getting where I'm going at least 20-30 minutes early. When I was going on job interviews, I would always want to make sure I was there on time, so sometimes I'd leave so early that I'd arrive maybe 45 minutes before the appointment. My strategy then would be to sit in my hot car, let the sweat slowly soak into my clothes, completely eliminating any semblance of professionalism my appearance may have revealed. But, you know how you hate waiting around for someone who's always late? That'll never happen again. Also, I always call when I say I'm going to. How often does someone say "let me give you a call back in 10 minutes" and then you wait around for hours because you actually believed them! If everyone was me, that would never happen. If I say I'm going to call in 10 minutes, I will. Most likely seven minutes, actually.

*Nobody would ever complain about anything at a restaurant, no matter how egregious. You could find a nail in your sandwich, but you wouldn't say anything to the waiter. He's probably too busy to deal with this. Plus, it's not even his fault, you'd think.

*You would never move tables after you'd been seated. This is one of those men vs. women things, but honestly, why do women always need to sit in booths. It seems that every time I go somewhere with a woman (it happens!) and we're about to be seated at a table, it's less than five seconds before I hear "Oh, let's go find a booth." Must you feel like you're in your living room at all times? What's the difference?

*The following things would not exist: Napalm, Agent Orange, Rape, Nickelback, Domestic Violence, Twitter, Laws against Gay Marriage, the Death Penalty, Organized Religion, Disorganized Religion, Bill O'Reilly.

*The following really good things would also not exist:
----Music. I love music and listen to it for probably 40% of my waking life, but I have no capacity whatsoever to create it. So, that's too bad. It's gone.
----Digital Technology. No idea how it works. Wouldn't even know where to begin.
----Space flight. Are you kidding? How am I going to figure out how to send somebody into space? Plus, who's going to go? Not me unless you can fill an entire wing of the ship with Xanax, which also, incidentally, does not exist.

*Everyone would be really in to football and hockey, but it would be considerably duller to watch, as everyone on the field/ice would play like me. A football field would be about a quarter of the size. So would the ball and all the players.

*No more urinals without separations between them. What is this nonsense?

*Here's a good one: Rampant apologies! I apologize for nearly everything, often things that don't involve me in any way. Sometimes, however, I'm not apologizing for anything I specifically did and people think I am. For example, here's a conversation I frequently engage in:
-Person: I have a headache.
-Jonathan: Oh, I'm sorry.
-Person: It's not your fault.
-Jonathan: I know, but I'm just sorry you have a headache.
-Person: Well, you don't need to say you're sorry.
-Jonathan: Fine. Jesus, sorry.
-Person: Stop apologizing!
-Jonathan: It's just an expression.
-Person: I think we should see other people.

That's about all I can think of right now. I may make this a continuing series. It's very cathartic.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Beck at El Cid

I'm just working in the middle of the afternoon yesterday, as usual, when a friend of mine peeks over her desk and says "Jonathan, do you want to go see Beck tonight?" Apparently, he's playing a secret show at El Cid. I say "Yeah, sure, that'd be awesome," assuming the secret would leak and the place would be swarming with people by the time I'd get there.

My friend Jeff and I got to the show about an hour ahead of time and the place was deserted. We went inside (our names were actually on "The List"), ate some tapas and had a few beers and were right up front when the show started. Jeff's theory is that hipsters are "too cool for school" and thus don't go to the front of the stage. Up until the minute he took the stage, I thought it was a joke and I'd be seeing Hall & Oates up there.

At any rate, Beck came out with his long hair and black hat and they started rocking. He played nearly all of Modern Guilt, with about two tracks each from previous albums, going back to Odelay (nothing pre-1995 I'm afraid). They opened with E-Pro, went into Modern Guilt, did Gamma Ray and Nausea. The first 90s tunes were Mixed Business which went into Nicotine and Gravy. Awesome!

He played a cover of Bob Dylan's Leopard Skin Pill Box Hat which blew my mind a little. The only tracks from Odelay were Minus (rockin!) and Devil's Haircut, which closed the encore. Here's the full setlist from Paper Tiger.

His band was tight. He said they hadn't played in six weeks and thanked us for watching them "practice." Pretty much the best practice I've ever seen. The drummer went nuts and I asked the female lead guitarist to marry me. She's thinking about it.

Here's a photo I got on my iPhone. It doesn't do it justice, as anyone who has taken pictures on an iPhone will inevitably know.

Totally blown.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

How to Find Cheap Gas

A gallon of gas costs as much as a frappuccino! Say it ain't so!
I recently replaced my destroyed Civic with a new Honda Fit Sport. I'm very pleased with it so far. It should ideally get about 35 miles per gallon, though I drive on LA freeways averaging speeds between "drunk snail" and "kid-on-big-wheel," so I don't think I'm using it to its full potential. A fuel-efficient car is, however, a great investment if you're wonder how to save money on gas.

Here's a picture of my Fit:

Happy fuel hunting!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Dreamin' of you Bob

Dylan just went all Web 2.0 on us! His site has gone through a bit of a revamp and there are some big new features to look forward to. The Bootleg Series Volume 8: Tell Tale Signs comes out on October 7. It contains a ton of tracks from the last 20 years: live recordings, alternate versions of album tracks and previously unreleased songs. You can also go to his albums section and listen to any song you want. Even make your own playlist! (This is obviously for total losers who don't own all of his albums, but it is pretty cool.)

When you sign up you can download an unreleased track called "Dreamin' of You." Very cool and it references a ton of lyrics from Time Out Of Mind (which itself "referenced" lyrics from all over.)

Here's the 2.0 part. Social Networking! You can actually join and connect with other Dylan fans. Always an eclectic bunch aren't they? You can meet up with...umm....the yuppie couple who goes to his shows and gets all upset that he doesn't sing Just Like A Woman the way he used to. Or the hippie guy who stands in place and waves his arms like he's making pancakes.

Or...just'll get to connect with this guy!

No, he's not the guy who stares at children at the playground.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

M83: Kim & Jessie (plus No Age!)

Now then. Here was the post I was going to leave before this Brett Favre business happened.

M83's Saturdays=Youth is one the best albums I've heard this year. The group doesn't trade in their luscious, orchestral sound, but modifies it to perfectly replicate the feeling of being a teenager in the 1980s (which I wasn't).

This video, for Kim & Jessie, is equal parts The Breakfast Club and Bring It On.

In dreamy-dream land yet? Now blast out your mind with "Eraser" from Los Angeles noise-rock ministers No Age.

Brett Favre Traded to Jets

After a month of speculation and a long day of hearing that he would be headed for Tampa Bay, every major news organization is now reporting that a trade has been made to send Brett Favre to the New York Jets.

Jets quarterback Chad Pennington will likely take the backup position and Aaron Rodgers will finally get the start in Green Bay.

No interviews available yet but there will likely be plenty of coverage tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to seeing Eric Mangini's comments as well as the first photos of Favre in a Jets uniform.

The Eagles only see the Jets in pre-season, so we'll likely get a brief chance to see Favre against the Eagles defense.