Sunday, August 24, 2008

If Everyone in the World were like me

Now, I'm not saying all of these would be good things. In fact, some of them quite obviously are negative. Here's a picture of what the world would be like if everyone in it were like me...

*Everyone would get where they're going efficiently. There would be none of this 45 miles per hour on the freeway bullshit, no more of this sitting at a green light and easing onto the gas over a period of 12 seconds. I'm always amazed in the city I live in, the city of angels, how often I have to honk at someone who's just sitting completely still at a green light. It's at least 2 times per 8-mile drive. Not joking. I'll be at a light, it'll turn green, I count to three maybe (you know, give the idiot a chance to let the synapses in his brain start clicking) and then I honk. Also, what's with this not turning left when you have tons of room? I'll be behind some schmuck, trying to turn left, he's got at least 10 seconds before the next car comes into the intersection, but nope, can't go. Too risky. Jackasses like this make everyone late.

*Speaking of which, nobody would ever be late for anything. Not only that, you'd always be early. Sometimes, uncomfortably early. I'm always so nervous about being late that I typically leave a good 30 minutes before I probably need to. The result is getting where I'm going at least 20-30 minutes early. When I was going on job interviews, I would always want to make sure I was there on time, so sometimes I'd leave so early that I'd arrive maybe 45 minutes before the appointment. My strategy then would be to sit in my hot car, let the sweat slowly soak into my clothes, completely eliminating any semblance of professionalism my appearance may have revealed. But, you know how you hate waiting around for someone who's always late? That'll never happen again. Also, I always call when I say I'm going to. How often does someone say "let me give you a call back in 10 minutes" and then you wait around for hours because you actually believed them! If everyone was me, that would never happen. If I say I'm going to call in 10 minutes, I will. Most likely seven minutes, actually.

*Nobody would ever complain about anything at a restaurant, no matter how egregious. You could find a nail in your sandwich, but you wouldn't say anything to the waiter. He's probably too busy to deal with this. Plus, it's not even his fault, you'd think.

*You would never move tables after you'd been seated. This is one of those men vs. women things, but honestly, why do women always need to sit in booths. It seems that every time I go somewhere with a woman (it happens!) and we're about to be seated at a table, it's less than five seconds before I hear "Oh, let's go find a booth." Must you feel like you're in your living room at all times? What's the difference?

*The following things would not exist: Napalm, Agent Orange, Rape, Nickelback, Domestic Violence, Twitter, Laws against Gay Marriage, the Death Penalty, Organized Religion, Disorganized Religion, Bill O'Reilly.

*The following really good things would also not exist:
----Music. I love music and listen to it for probably 40% of my waking life, but I have no capacity whatsoever to create it. So, that's too bad. It's gone.
----Digital Technology. No idea how it works. Wouldn't even know where to begin.
----Space flight. Are you kidding? How am I going to figure out how to send somebody into space? Plus, who's going to go? Not me unless you can fill an entire wing of the ship with Xanax, which also, incidentally, does not exist.

*Everyone would be really in to football and hockey, but it would be considerably duller to watch, as everyone on the field/ice would play like me. A football field would be about a quarter of the size. So would the ball and all the players.

*No more urinals without separations between them. What is this nonsense?

*Here's a good one: Rampant apologies! I apologize for nearly everything, often things that don't involve me in any way. Sometimes, however, I'm not apologizing for anything I specifically did and people think I am. For example, here's a conversation I frequently engage in:
-Person: I have a headache.
-Jonathan: Oh, I'm sorry.
-Person: It's not your fault.
-Jonathan: I know, but I'm just sorry you have a headache.
-Person: Well, you don't need to say you're sorry.
-Jonathan: Fine. Jesus, sorry.
-Person: Stop apologizing!
-Jonathan: It's just an expression.
-Person: I think we should see other people.

That's about all I can think of right now. I may make this a continuing series. It's very cathartic.


C.K. said...

no one would ever complain is bullshit. Just because you turn your complaints into joking observations doesn't erase them from being complaints.

rednikki said...

I'm laughing so hard there are tears coming to my eyes. TEARS, I tell you.

Which probably wouldn't happen if everyone was like you.