Saturday, December 6, 2008

Ongoing Vertical Discrimination

My friends--

I'm writing today to bring up a great injustice that even in the 21st century still pervades our daily lives and brings shame to our diverse nation. Hateful acts are still being perpetuated on a significant portion of our population. They're not going away and their cause is a just one.

To stand in solidarity with these oppressed people, I have a major announcement to make here on Country Caravan.

I, Jonathan Harris, am short.

The discriminatory history against those of us with limited height is shameful and wrong. Though you may not immediately recognize the restrictions placed upon us, let me tell you a brief story that exemplifies our plight.

A few weeks ago I thought I could make some extra income by donating a resource of which I have no shortage. Sperm banks pay up to $100 a donation and allow you to give up to three times a week (there are donation limits due to some strict campaign finance reforms). You can imagine my disappointment when I came upon the following restrictions from the California Cryobank:

You're reading that correctly. Not only must you be young, straight, a legal American, intelligent or a macho asshole, but you must be at least 5'9". California Cryobank, I thought you were better than this. Also, that sentence isn't even grammatically correct. "Must be at least 5'9" or taller" is repetitive. It could be "Must be at least 5'9" or "Must be 5'9" or taller" but using both "at least" and "or taller" is highly unnecessary. You don't need to rub it in.

But, it's not all the Cryobank's fault. The lonely and childless women who attend this facility have also made a stand. Where are the cries for short man sperm? You are complicit in this injustice by continually seeking offspring that will be taller than the average man. Do you think you can effectively weed us out of society? I assure you, we are not going away. We will not be stranded like Napoleon on this metaphorical Elba indefinitely into the future. Our sperm is just as good as the tall folk.

In fact, the more intelligent among us are likely to have even better sperm than your standard paramedic or firefighter.

Here is scientific proof from the UK Institute of Psychiatry, suggesting that men with more intelligence have higher quality, more mobile sperm:

The study, which appears in the journal Intelligence, appears to support the idea that genes underlying intelligence may have other biological effects too.

Therefore, if tiny mutations impair intelligence, they might also harm other characteristics, such as sperm quality.

Average sized and tall folk of the world, be aware: We're here, down here, get used to it. My diminutive brothers and I will no longer stand for the hate and discrimination thrust upon us. At 5'6"....ok, dammit....5'5 1/2", I have just as much right to have my sperm surgically implanted into a foreign uterus.

We have progressed much as a nation, but there is more work still to be done. Help us reach the cookie jar. Join with us.


rachael said...

Tom Cruise doesnt meet the height requirement either, maybe you should convert to scientology, find him, and get him to use his L. Ron powers to change it.

Files from The Crief Case said...

Did you have an issue at Disneyland yesterday?