Wednesday, April 29, 2009

How I Survived Swine Flu or Pork: The Other Black Death


Ha ha. Just kidding, of course. No, beating the swine flu is a grueling battle between Man and Virus, with pigs in between, perhaps serving as referee. I have a few tips that I've gleaned in the past few days, my head hovering over the toilet like a frat boy, the illness spreading through my bones like the sweet current of heroin. I also did my research through Causecast's Swine Flu Safety tips.

Tip #1: No making out with pigs. I can't emphasize this one enough. If pigs had the flu and now we had the flu, it serves to be true that making out with our ham-hocked friends might be a bad idea. Skip it for now. You'll live.

Tip #2: Sneeze into a tissue or, failing that, a nearby spittoon.

Tip #3: No more than one McRib sandwich per week. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it's important for our bodies' immune systems to receive small bits of acrid poison, in order to build up suitable antibodies. A small amount of swine flu, a runt flu, if you will, is just what the doctor ordered.

Tip #4: Watch Charlotte's Web, but after the film ends, pretend the farmer takes Wilbur out behind the barn and shoots him. This will suitably build up ones hatred of pork, a potent antiviral attribute.

Note: These statements have not been analyzed for accuracy by the FDA, CDC, or The Who (listen to Baba O'Reilly me, it's all about swine).


Anna said...

Hi Jonathan,
This is brilliant, I'm getting so tired of the scare-mongering on the news. Anyway, I see that you are interested in travel and thought you might be interested in this travel-related item that I have It's a quiz that's been made just for a bit of fun. It's about adventurers; generally just a fun thing to go with all things travel. I'd be really grateful if you could take a look at it and maybe put it up on your blog if you enjoy it.


Anna Degremont

Amanda said...

People with regular exposure to pigs are at increased risk of swine flu. More than 1100 people worldwide have died from swine flu since it emerged in Mexico and the US in April, according to the latest figures from the World.