Tuesday, April 6, 2010

8.7 Rating Delivers Severe Jolt To New Titus Andronicus Album

New Jersey-based rock band Titus Andronicus was rattled this week by an 8.7 review from music site Pitchfork. The shaking began around 6:30 a.m. ET, when Pitchfork critic Rob Mitchum declared the band's new album, The Monitor, a "65-minute endorsement of angst," and compounded the intense rumbling by saying the album paid homage to "the Hold Steady in its mythology of intoxication, the Pogues in its cathartic singalong gutter-punk, and Conor Oberst's Desaparacidos in its brazen earnestness."

The rocking was felt as far away as San Francisco, CA, where Office Depot clerk and Titus Andronicus fan Brent Selko said the music was "fucking dope" and that it "got an 8.7, which is pretty high even for [Pitchfork]."

The tremblor caused minor damage to a MacBook Pro in Luton, Ariz., when it was accidentally kicked by 26-year-old Neil Portner while rocking out to The Montior opener, "A More Perfect Union."

The Monitor
The album cover for "The Monitor," whose 8.7 shockwaves caused extensive damage across areas of Silver Lake, Calif.

Aftershocks are expected from the 8.7 rating, though a follow-up EP is likely to only score a 6.9 on Pitchfork's scale. Music analysts say this EP will cause a significant shock to hardcore fans, though casual listeners may not even feel it.

The last bombshell of this magnitude occurred in February, when Joanna Newsom's triple-LP "Have One On Me" registered an epic 9.2.

Musicologists have not yet formed an explanation as to why these tremors are increasing.

"Pitchfork gives out a Best New Music every freakin' week now," said Amoeba records employee Eddie Singh. "We're forced to duck and cover much more frequently than in previous years. Instead of a monthly shaking, we're hanging on for dear life several times a week due to stampedes who suddenly can't wait to get the new Fang Island record, whatever the hell that is."

These events are notoriously hard to predict, though experts believe that the spring and summer are sure to bring more intense quakes. Many music store owners are already prepping their buildings for LCD Soundsystem's This Is Happening, which some believe could score a 9.5 or above.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Create Your Own Hipster Band Name

It's easy to come up with a name for a hipster band! Just follow these simple instructions:

Step 1: Choose a word from the first column.
Step 2: Follow it with a word from the second column
Step 3 (optional): If you want to really blow their minds at The Gold Room, add the word in the third column.

hipster band

Voila! You've just formed a hipster band.