Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Spend Your Entire Day Moderating An Obsolete Facebook Page, Asshole!!

I'd like to make fun of a guy named Joe Frahm and, by extension, people on the Internet. Here's some quick background.

After the Leno-Conan-NBC debacle, I felt that I had to find a way to share my anger with the world, i.e. twelve morons online. Like many other youngish people, I feel like it was time for The Tonight Show to have a new host, and that Conan O'Brien was the most talented person to take over.

So, naturally, I thought I would do what any significantly lazy comedy fan would do: create a Facebook group. Team Conan was up and running, intended to get the support of other Conan fans out there. This was, I should mention, at the same exact time that Mike Mitchell released his "I'm With Coco" image, which has since become the emblem for the online Conan movement, as well as Conan's current comedy tour.

Little did I know when I created this page how successful it would be. Within days we had tens of thousands of people in the group, posting messages at the rate of about 20 every minute. The group topped out about a week later with over 200,000 members. My co-creator and I were incredibly excited about our influence, and we briefly had control over a large group of, apparently, unemployed stoners. We created teamconan.com (which now redirects you to teamcoco.com, the official site for Conan's comedy tour), and I had a brief, star-making interview with Moose in the Morning on KAZR 103.3 in Des Moines.

It was great fun. We got to promote Conan and be part of the movement that sparked this tour and likely convinced TBS that the man has a huge youth following worth pursuing as viewers. I also received a signed letter from Conan O'Brien himself, thanking me and my compatriots for our support, which pretty much made my decade. Just to give you a sense of how big this thing was, the Team Conan page went live the same week as the devastating 7.0 earthquake in Haiti. For my job as the editor of HuffPost Impact, my entire month was spent collecting ways people could get involved with relief efforts. It was a terrible tragedy, and a news story I wish I never had to cover. Despite this, I received hundreds of e-mails that week about Conan, with individuals from all over the country asking me how they could help. It was a bizarre experience.

Now, it's been several months and the Team Conan Facebook page is still up and running. It's got over 212,000 members now, though admittedly the page is not nearly as well attended as in January.

Now we're at today. I have a job where I work about 60 hours a week, and I simply don't have time to log onto a Facebook page that is now largely irrelevant. I believe that Conan is going to be just fine, and I'd love to hand over the reins of the Conanverse to another dedicated fan.

It appears now, however, that the unattended to Facebook page is getting a bit crowded with spam, an attempt from people to promote non-Conan-related business. Very unfortunate, as the Facebook page was, of course, originally intended to be a Conan-based venue. However, I do receive spam from time to time in my Gmail inbox and elsewhere and, as a reasonably intelligent and sane individual, I ignore it.

Which brings me to the making of Joe Frahm which I plan on doing for the remainder of this post. I receive e-mails like this all the time from self-obsessed losers, but Frahm's is by far the most irrationally angry. He writes:

There is spam ALL OVER THE TEAM CONAN WALL! One bitch has posted sexually suggestive pictures... None of which have anything to do with Conan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please. for the love of god, just moderate your group page once in a while... Say if there is someone who mentions this on the television, wont we all look bad? So for the sake of the image of Team Conan's group members... Fix this mess.

I love this e-mail! It is funny and upsetting for so many reasons. Funny because it's so stupid, upsetting because, well, he's serious.

According to Frahm, this spam absolutely needs to be fixed right now (with seven exclamation points). The spam, by the way, is the most pleasant spam there is. It is a fake sexy girl showing pictures of herself. If a page is going to be spammed with tame filth like this, spam away!

He's angry not just because the girl is posting sexually suggestive photos, but because they have nothing to do with Conan. I suppose if the photo included a Walker Texas Ranger Lever, it would have suitable Conan-relation to merit inclusion on the page. Joe Frohm, I will not remove this delectably seductive fake post from the wildly popular Team Conan page.

Then, Frahm turns his anger from spammers to ME, the very person he should be praising for giving his life some purpose!

for the love of god, just moderate your group page once in a while...

He's not asking much, folks. Once every few days, just stop what I'm doing, managing a page on one of the most popular news sites on the Internet, and read through nonsense posts by bedridden mouthbreathers engaging in discussions about assorted assclownery. I mean, it's not like I haven't had time to do this. For the love of GOD, I am truly an inconsiderate asshole.

His final argument is truly the most staggering.

Say if there is someone who mentions this on the television, wont we all look bad?

Oh goodness, he's right! Some heartless jackal could report on FOX News about the horrific spam rampant on Facebook's second most popular Conan O'Brien fan page! Some TBS executive will see that and exclaim, perhaps spitting out his whiskey should he be drinking it at the moment, "Guh?? Spam on the Conan page? This is an outrage! Mindy, call that Jew lawyer of his. I want him fired before you can say 'Unintelligible Fanboys!' That man will never work in Hollywood again, or my name isn't Terwilliger McStereotype!"

Yes, Joe, even you will look bad. Even you, who never did anything but write the most sensible and thoughtful posts that didn't reek at all of inanity. Posts like this:

i GOT IT ONTO THE radio that NBC and leno sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Some group thinks that conans next new show will be called "Conan tonight" Now, I just think that's fucked up... If there is already "Lopez Tonight"... We want our Conan to be distinguishable from other talkshows... Like "the show tonight" or last hour of tonight call and it's late" or "Late tonight with Conan O'B...rien"

Joe, I'm so sorry. I must immediately clean up the riff-raff at once so that Nabokovian wonders of prose such as this may keep the airwaves clean for Conan.

Now, I'm picking on Joe here, but that's not to say he's the only Team Conan member with extreme concerns over the page's current visitors. Sound designer Eric Lozada has the following comment for me:

Yo Jonathan gte control of your grouppage dude. start kickin these spammers already.

Seriously. I do have some heavy grouppage.

As a die-hard Conan O'Brien fan and a dedicated supporter of grammar, I would hereby like to give up control of Team Conan to one lucky member. All you have to do is post a comment to this blog post with why you want to be the new manager of Team Conan and its 200,000 members. The only requirement for this post? It must be a complete sentence and use no more three exclamation points. That's it! One complete sentence. You know what? I'll sweeten the deal. It can even be a run-on sentence. I don't care! Use semi-colons at your whim! All I want is one complete sentence, and the page is yours.

Act now.


Eliot said...

I promise to abuse any power I receive. Hot local singles are ready to meet you!

Joe said...

I swear to be reasonable with the power that you might give me; meaning that warnings will be given out before one is withheld from spamming again.

AmericanOtaku83 said...

I will run Team Conan responsibly. I will not tolerate spam. Any spammers will get an "ass stamp" as a warning and then get the "ban stamp". I swear to defend the honor of Conan O'Brien and the Self-pleasuring Panda. I will allow all who come to have fun, but within reason. That means not being cynical. I hope to run Team Conan with as much effectiveness and success as my predecessor.

Jonathan said...

Follow-up message to me from Joe Frahm. He's incorrigible. My favorite part of this is that he "didn't approve" of my re-posting his message to me, as if it's copywritten or something.

"Can you please find someone to replace you? There are photos on the Team Conan group page of yet another woman, asking for someone to hook up with her... The spamming has doubled since I last wrote you, It really needs to stop. Don't just write an X number of paragraph blog entry about me writing to you about this subject, (Which I didn't approve of in the first place.) Do something... Now."